Does Authenticity Have A Limit?

Sometimes I just can’t blog about it…

That thing, that person.

Those people, those things.

Sometimes authenticity has a limit…

And the only one who can hear my thoughts

Is the only One who knows my heart.

Deeply. Intimately.

Sometimes I just can’t blog about it…

That burden, that opinion.

Those opinions, those burdens.

Sometimes authenticity has a limit…

And the only one who can see my point

Is the only One who knows my mind.

Unconditionally. Perfectly.

Sometimes, it’s just between me and my Saviour…

And the only one I need to show and tell

Is the only One who can restore, replace, repair.

Now is one of those times.

Lord, You know my heart and my mind.

With You, authenticity has no limit.

“God, investigate my life;

get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you…"

Psalm 139:1, the Message

All The Way to Cambodia, Part 3

Life continues to be a whirlwind, but I wanted to continue the series on my time in Cambodia. As I went back to read some of the journaling I did, the memories came in like a flood. I'm going to type out what I scribbled in my journal and then add photos with commentary at the end.

IF you missed part one or part two, click here:

Allllll the Way to Cambodia, Part 1

All the Way to Cambodia, Part 2

This would be our 2nd official ministry day, and it was as packed as the first. I actually didn't even finish writing about the first day, but I plan to incorporate some of those memories in a future post with a bit of a different theme. So, on with the next day according to my journal with a few little notes added in parenthesis...

"Friday, October 30th

My word for the day--overwhelmed. So tired. I feel numb and nauseous...drained. It's not as much physical tired as it is wiped out, though my legs have been throbbing in a funky way since the long airplane ride.

The day started out with "candy in a cup," Tony's word (our team leader). The hotel coffee tasted phenomenal, but how could extremely strong coffee mixed with sweetened condensed milk be anything but wonderful? It sent us all soaring, so getting on a bus for a long drive was probably not the best use of caffeinated energy, but that was the order of things, so...

Our destination was World Relief's CREDIT offices, and from there we would drive to another village to see what that organization is doing there. (I'll tell you more about CREDIT later in the post). The drive there and then to the villages, completely overwhelmed me, both good and bad. To see allll the people, the traffic again and a great deal of poverty nonstop for miles...then to drive into the lush rural areas, only to see skinny cows (I could see their bones!) and young kids bathing in dirty water--overload.

Right before we were to cross the Mekong River, hoards of people were selling whatever they had to sell to the long line of vehicles waiting for the ferry. One person after another surrounded our bus, pleading us to buy from them: watches, sunglasses, fish, fruit, fried crickets...all kinds of snacks and goods. Young children tapped on the window and begged for money. Older kids held up younger kids, pointing to them and then to their mouths showing how hungry they were. It absolutely broke my heart. Not in a describable way either. It ushered in a great big bag of mixed emotions and questions (some of which I'm still processing).

We finally crossed the river, and it was disgusting. So dirty. Made me sad when I saw all the shacks on the side with laundry hanging out to dry, I'm sure after having been washed in that water. "Why is the water so dirty? And why can't someone clean it up?" I thought.

Then it was the same scene on the other side of the river with more desperate sales and pleas. (We even gave into one, which I'll tell you about in a bit). It exhausted my senses. I wanted to just stop the day right then, go back to my room and try to make some sense of things. But we'd only just begun.

After we got to the CREDIT offices, we were desperate for a restroom. Well, the staff was so incredibly courteous, and we were under a time restraint, so they led us all to different bathrooms. Unbeknownst to me, not all "bathrooms" are "restrooms" in Cambodia. I stood there, mouth gaping open, looking at this porcelain hole in the ground, and I thought, Okay, no way. I thought maybe he guided me to the men's room, but I later learned after some chuckles from a few teammates that this would be the norm when we were out and about, and I was ever so blessed to have a "squatty potty" this nice to behold. Luckily, by that time, the type of toilets I was accustomed to became available, so I took full advantage. That would at least give me some time to adjust to the thought of the other, seeing as it was a new concept for me. (I promise I'm not a prima-donna, just not very adventurous. As many would see this is a cool, adventurous thing to experience...me, not so much.)

From the offices on, the roads were too bumpy to reach the province we were visiting, so the team split into two trucks to face the terrain. The men on the team got in the back, and the staff would only allow the ladies inside the cab. So cheek over hip, we cooperated. Thank goodness, we are a close knit team! The roads were so rugged, we could not feel our bumpies or our legs after about halfway there. I'm sure the guys on the back got a good workout as well.

We finally reached the Prey Veng province and as we walked into the village, we were greeted with applause and cheering. Not because we were rock stars, but probably because they had been waiting on us to get the meeting started. (Not only that, it seemed to me that Cambodians are very hospitable). While they were incredibly good hosts to us, most kept their distance. I didn't find out until we were on our way home that we were the first Westerners most of them had ever seen. Lots of staring, looking, searching to see who we were, seemingly to see if we were trustworthy or not. I don't know. It was so unbearingly hot and sticky, mainly sticky, and it sapped the energy right out of us. The kids in the village were so shy, maybe even scared, but they seemed to enjoy the young ones, especially Matt (young college guy), and Victor, (our one youth traveling with us).

As we were leaving, it felt awkward. A few kids came up to me and started to talk. I thought they were finally warming up to me, because I had been smiling at them the whole time (the kids were so cute, I could hardly take my eyes off of them). Our interpreter told me later that they were hoping I'd give them money, understandably so, because begging is a way of life for many of them. CREDIT staff members told us that this is one of the issues they cover as they go into villages...training them not to beg from others, but to work and budget instead.

We had lunch in town and were greeted with many stares from the townsfolk. The food had a REALLY peculiar smell, a smell unfamiliar and unpleasant to me. But I had determined I would try whatever I was served (other than insects) and was glad I did. Wow, it was fantastic, so good, and it left me feeling healthy. The smells were probably some type of seasoning that I'm not used to. If it was something bad or gross, I DON't EVER want to know about it.

The drive back to the hotel was more of the same emotion, only with extreme drain...same scenes, different observations. I wanted to crash, as I felt like it was time to go to bed. But we still had one last stop for the day: Toul Sleng prison. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, because I'm too tired now. In just about 6 hours, it will be time to get up again, and that's when the work we came here to do will get started. I feel like so much has happened already. What else, Lord?"

Our team on the bus as we approached the ferry to cross the Mekong River.

I'm in the back hidden somewhere. ;)

Vendors galore braving the heat...

Yes, these are the fried crickets I was telling you about...

They must be popular, cuz lots of vendors were selling them.

Our youngest member of the team asked to try one, so we bought a bag full.

The smell in the bus was never the same after that.

Here Victor goes, and with a smile on his face. Several of our team members followed suit. Gives whole new meaning to the Scripture,

"And a little child shall lead them..."

I do not regret even in the teeny tiniest least that I was not one of the team members to try a fried cricket. Besides, fried foods are fattening, and a woman my age has to watch her figure, right? :D

This young boy went to every window in the bus showing this dead lizard. Then he would point to his little brother's mouth. I don't know if he was trying to say that he was going to have to feed him that if we didn't give him money, or if he was offering it in exchange for money. His eyes looked straight into my heart, piercing it in a way I've never experienced before. Still makes my stomach ache to picture the scene, and not just because of fried crickets and dead lizards.

This "fruity" hat amazed me. I can't even balance a book on my head!

This was the view of the homes as we crossed the Mekong River.

After we divided into the two trucks that would transport our team, this is a taste of the road conditions the whole way to the village. My friend Jackie wrote that the "potholes were so big the pigs could bathe in them."

This is the villagers as they waited for us. They had chairs set aside under shade trees to help protect us from the heat. I'm sure they sacrificed and squished more than usual under that one tree to accomodate us.

Marganne & Jackie were not shy. They took off their shoes and sat right next to their sisters in Prey Veng.

The villagers stayed engaged as the CREDIT staff taught them about such things as credits and debits, luxury items vs. necessary items, etc, applauding them throughout the presentation. This is the description of CREDIT from World Relief's website:

"An essential mandate of World Relief is to relieve poverty. To achieve this goal, while ensuring sustainable economic development, WR Cambodia supports CREDIT, a licensed micro-finance institution established by World Relief. By providing small loans to clients across the country, as well as financial education and training, WR Cambodia is able to support cottage industries and alleviate poverty while ensuring dignity to those we serve."

As you can see, a good majority of the villagers listening to the presentation are women and children. This is partly because many of their husbands are working, but also because many of them are single mothers providing solely for their families. This particular day is a Cambodian holiday, so even some men are present, and of course, the kids are out of school.

As the presentation is going on, many of the children and men became interested in Matt, and we almost had to peel him away from the crowd at the end.

These young men teaching on the CREDIT staff were so well-trained at keeping the attention of the crowd, and they used good visuals to help illustrate the new concepts.

LUNCH! (fish soup, rice, fried fish, chicken, yum!)

On our way into the Tuol Sleng Prison,

where I would never have guessed what I was about to see & feel...

We wanted to visit this museum so that we could better understand the Cambodian culture, as well as be able to relate to the brokenness the World Relief staff bears on a daily basis. To learn that a body of buildings which used to educate high school kids was later used as a security prison to hold over 17,000 men, women & children in a 4-year period blew me away. The tour guide showed us how the prisoners were enclosed with electrical barbed wire fences, and the old classrooms were used as torture chambers. We saw the various torturing methods used, and I became so sick to my stomach, I thought I would vomit. The cabinet of broken skulls about did me in, as well as walls of pictures of those who were held captive (lots of children) and later killed.

As I said at the beginning of this post, overwhelmed and drained could not even begin to describe the way I felt this day. I could not even imagine taking in another sight, smell or sound, or even processing another thought. But, this was only day 2 of 7 more to come...God's work in and through me would continue in unexpected ways.

***Most photos taken by Jackie Mosley & Marganne Pearce. Thank YOU!

Christmas Devotion at the Cafe

I'd love for you to come by the Internet Cafe and chat with me about Christmas...

Ornamental Occasion at the Internet Cafe

My next Cambodia post is coming later today or tomorrow, so please come back to visit!

All the Way to Cambodia, Part 2

If you missed part one, click here: Allllll the Way to Cambodia, Part 1

Proverbs 13:12 says,
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Surreal Beginning

My first night's sleep was comfortable and deep in our clean hotel, but cut short. My head sprung up from the bed at what I thought was a man's voice singing at 5:15 am. Actually, I thought it was our worship leader in the room next door, and if so, team unity was about to come to a quick halt. ;) Imagine my surprise when I realized it was a man chanting across the street from our hotel (no offense to our worship leader, I was in a reeeally deep sleep). Apparently, a funeral was going on, and the ceremonies in Cambodia are conducted out in the open. Through a loud speaker. At 5:15 and continuing...

My roommate opened the blinds all the way, and it was the first time I had seen Phnom Penh in the daylight. As I looked out the window, I had mixed feelings. Cars, motos, trucks filled with men, people hanging laundry on their balconies, bustle all around. And the honking. So much honking...with chanting and lamenting in the background. The scene was chaotic and orderly at the same time. Surreal really.


After a jolted start to the morning, it was time for our mission to begin. Though our team was in Cambodia to put on a conference/retreat for the leadership of World Relief, we thought it best to see what the organization is doing there. So we hit the ground running. Riding in a shuttle bus, to be exact.


It was one thing to see the traffic out the hotel window, quite another to be in the mix of it. We were so close to the vehicles next to us that I could look the drivers in the eye and exchange a smile. Not kidding. I will never complain about my husband's driving again. ;0 After quite a drive out of the city, we made it to our first destination. Phew.

HOPE not deferred

It was here I saw "Hope" in the form of community. World Relief's HOPE ministry is anything but "hope deferred." As I watched this ministry in action I witnessed "longings fulfilled" (including some of my own). The Lord wasted no time grabbing my heart's strings and playing a new tune.

A group of teenage girls sat in a circle as their volunteer leader discussed choices with them. They learned of biblical sexuality and marriage fidelity, as well as the many myths, lies and superstitions spread throughout their culture about HIV/AIDS. The leader threw out questions that the girls were encouraged to answer. My impression is that this was a whole lot more than an education group. It's a source of accountability and Christ-centered community.



I was impressed with how intentional the planning was...even the games were integrated into the day's theme. And it only continued from there. A teenage boys' group was held down the road just a bit with the same discussion material, though in typical boys' form, a bit more animated.

As the teen discussion groups were coming to a close, the children's programming was beginning. And wow, Wow, WOW. Kids were rushing to catch the best view as the staff set up its puppet screen. Older kids came with younger brothers and sisters in tow by arm or on a hip. They were EXCiiiiiiTED. The teens came running as well, though most of them stood in the back. Moms were off to the side and in the background, but I sensed they were happy and curious to be there too.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I didn't expect the program to be as excellent as it was. The leaders were extremely enthusiastic and animated. The crowd was completely enthralled as they sang songs about Dengue fever and cleanliness set to familiar kids' tunes. As the puppets came out, the kids learned lessons about washing hands and stopping the spread of germs and disease. Not only were the kids entertained, but they were also engaged...I'm guessing more than they are in any classroom.


At the end of the show, World Relief gave each of our team fingernail clippers, and the kids crowded around us to have their nails trimmed. Then they washed their hands in anti-bacterial soap. What a perfect conclusion to an fabulous show. I'll never forget how the kids' faces beamed with excitement as they showed off their germ-free hands. It was a special moment to be a part of...




During the puppet show, a few of the girls from the teenage group came to stand beside me. Before long, we were arm in arm. Their smiles completely captivated me, and I'm so glad one of my team members grabbed this picture of us.

HOPE through Hardship

We loaded back into the bus and drove down a few roads to a different kind of meeting. It was an HIV/AIDS support group that meets regularly, where those with the disease come to find hope and help. Each person in the picture below is infected, (other than the volunteers), including the young boy in the front.


During our brief time there, several members of the circle were eager to share their stories, how Jesus Christ had given them hope to deal with their hardships. Many had lost husbands, daughters, mothers, fathers and children to AIDS. Though most of these ladies had been cheated on and infected by their husbands and/or worse, they still gave testimony of the Lord's faithfulness and love toward them.

As if my heart had not been stirred enough, a woman who had been coming to the group a few times gave her life to Jesus during this group's meeting. I could NOT hold back the tears. It was one of the most moving salvation experiences I've ever witnessed. At the end of the meeting, we all gathered around one another, praying out loud in our own languages. When I look at this photo, I don't see a group of HIV-infected Cambodians, I see my brother and sisters in Christ infecting each other with the love of Jesus Christ.

It's hard to believe that this was only half of my first day in Cambodia, but it was a HOPE-filled one. These are once in a lifetime, special slices of life that I will savor forever, ones that continue to reach down and leave marks of change on my heart as I ponder them.

And I'm only getting started...

"For it is for this we labor and strive,
because we have fixed our hope on the living God..."
1 Timothy 4:10

***Most photos taken by Jackie Mosley & Marganne Pearce. Thank YOU!