Beside Myself

The Christian life is not a constant high.

I have my moments of deep discouragement.

I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes,

and say, 'O God, forgive me,' or 'Help me.'

Billy Graham

I have to say a HUGE “Amen” to Mr. Graham here. I also have seasons of deep discouragement. And when that happens, I get a little bit beside myself.

But beside myself is exactly where I need to be. It reminds me of my smallness, my inability to inspire myself and to find pleasure in anything this life has to offer.

During those times, I’ve learned that the first place I need to go is to my Papa. I need to make Him the first one to wipe my tears and to comfort me. I need to ask for His direction. Sometimes He frees me up to phone or text a friend, or put out a few emails or even a public plea for help to ministry supporters. Often, He leads me to keep it just between the two of us.

But come to Him first, I must.

Psalm 42:1-8, The Message

A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;

I want to drink God, deep draughts of God.

I'm thirsty for God-alive.

I wonder, "Will I ever make it—arrive and drink in God's presence?"

I'm on a diet of tears—tears for breakfast, tears for supper.

All day long people knock at my door, pestering,

"Where is this God of yours?"

These are the things I go over and over,

emptying out the pockets of my life.

I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,

right out in front, leading them all,

eager to arrive and worship,

Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—

celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God—soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you,

From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, including Mount Mizar.

Chaos calls to chaos, to the tune of whitewater rapids.

Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers crash and crush me.

Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night!

My life is God's prayer.

Why go to Him first? Because HE is the only One who can forgive my sins, who can heal my dysfunction and brokenness, who can deliver me from my strongholds, who can encourage me in my inmost being (read Psalm 103). He’s the only One who can see into the locked broom closets of my soul.

Furthermore, He already knows me. He doesn’t see my hurts and pains as a reason to judge me. He doesn’t see my weakness the way humans do. He is completely forgiving and sees the absolute best in me.

So this is why I give Him my all, and first. These past few months, my Papa has seen the worst in me, and He has seen His best in me. I’ve been beside myself, while He has been my everything. And I love Him all the more, even though He couldn’t possibly love me any less.

“My life is God’s prayer.”

“And the God of all grace,

who called you to His eternal glory in Christ,

after you have suffered a little while,

will Himself restore you and make you

strong, firm and steadfast.”

1 Peter 5:10