She Hides at She Speaks

I walked into the She Speaks conference with an overwhelming sense of peace. I read that many were concerned about their wardrobe and their speeches and book proposals, and though I had my days of anxiousness, by the time I walked in I was completely relaxed. Each person I met enthralled me with their experiences leading up to the conference. God was calling me to be "others-focused," and it was a whole lotta wonderful. Except for the normal bit of nervousness that came Friday night just before 3-minute speech time, the Lord's peace prevailed.

Until Saturday afternoon.

The session after lunch came, and a funk came over me right in the middle. I felt dizzy, sick to my stomach, exhausted, numb. It was as if I had been sitting in the middle of a beach somewhere basking in the sun, and out of nowhere a gynormous wave rolled in and knocked me over, leaving me flat on my back.

So I did what any "others-focused" individual would do. I limped to my room and hid. Behind that closed door, I hoped that my roommate wouldn't come in and see me sobbing on my knees by the bed. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Had I been sandbagging my anxiousness only to have it explode and make a mess now? Was I exhausted from the days of preparation getting ready for the trip? Was it a spiritual attack? What in the world had come over me?

As I moved to the bed and tried to drift off to sleep, my cell phone rang. It was my 11-year-old daughter, and she was in the same shape I was. She missed me. She felt like she was doing everything around the house and others were taking her for granted. She didn't want to tell anyone, especially Dad, because she didn't want to come apart in front of him. I advised her to go into her closet and pray (the only place she has privacy), and to ask the Lord for strength to talk to Dad. I told her, "Sweetie, you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel if you can find the courage to admit to dad how you're feeling." We cried together for a little while longer, and I shared with her how I was feeling too.

While I was ending my conversation with my daughter, my roommate Amy Bayliss walked in. She saw I was a mess, but she didn't pry. I felt led to tell her what I was going through, but I didn't want to bother her with it. After all, she had another publisher's meeting to go to and a whole list of things to be focused on herself. It was a mixture of my care for her and pride that I wanted to continue faking my strength until she left the room again.

Then I remembered my words to AnaLee. You know, about how much better she'd feel if she just admitted she was weak. So I grabbed Amy, and I told her. She immediately prayed as I continued to weep, and I was amazed. A healing wave of peace and relief flooded over me. Not long after Amy left the room, my daughter called again. She said she took my advice and went into the closet to pray and that she was ready to talk to Daddy. I was definitely able to encourage her after what I'd just experienced.

The memory of this mind-boggling moment ministers to me on so many levels. Pride had convinced me that I was to be "on" while at the conference or else I'd be no good to anyone. I let the enemy discourage me and speak lies into my ear. I almost cancelled my publisher's meeting AND my talk on Saturday night. Honestly, the thought went through my mind that maybe I'm just not cut out for any of this stuff. Nobody else was in their room having a meltdown, I thought. LOL, Like I would know...

The power of releasing our pride and our weaknesses to one another can be an amazing thing. Often, we have experiences that are meant for the Lord's ears only, but in this case, He wanted me to admit. I don't know why I felt the need to hide when the unexpected hit me. But I was humbled and encouraged in a way I will never forget. Maybe the next time I won't be so stubborn.

"Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working]."
James 5:16, The Amplified Bible

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up."
Ecc. 4:10a

Is God leading you to walk out of your hotel room

and let someone pray for you?

She Pauses to Ponder Praises from "She Speaks"

"Our prayer for you this weekend is that you will be encouraged, equipped and empowered as you prepare for God's unique calling on your life..."

This was the purpose the Proverbs 31 ministry team listed in the front of our GORGEOUS She Speaks conference books, and it was fulfilled.

I'm still in the process of pondering, but I must write...it's time to let some praises ring.

This She was encouraged:

* I was encouraged by corporate worship. To sing and pray along with Cheri Keaggy, as well as 600+ women set my heart on fire, and released my tears to water it.

*I was encouraged by a group of women bloggers (a group too large to mention each by name but will probably end up in the form of a story at some point) who all "knew" each other and invited me to join their lunch parties anyway. (photo below) As I listened to them talk, I was so blessed by their heart to minister to women with their own unique voices in the world of blogging. I also learned that I am not a true blogger; instead, I'm a writer who has a blog. Believe you me, this is true. (But I know who to call with questions, no doubt). And I laughed. And laughed. And spewed that sugary sweet North Carolina tea all over. Heather, especially ;) would get me rolling, then Lisa would calm me down (and get me to the airport on time. Thank you.) :)

*I was encouraged by my roommate, Amy Bayliss. We talked, we laughed, we prayed, we got past the surface. She is more amazing than I ever imagined. And besides, she brought me a beautiful journal, the best-smelling candle ever, and CHOCOLATE. Need I say more?

*I was encouraged by the speakers, Lysa TerKeurst, Jennifer Rothschild (my spiritual hero on earth), and Renee Swope. I will be chewing on their messages for an ENORMOUSLY long time, applying them as God enables me to do so. I'm compelled to say that every single time Lysa prayed, I cried. I've been starting my day with "Good morning, my Jesus," and ending it with "Good night, my Jesus" ever since.

*I was encouraged by Suzanne Eller, who happened to get the seat right next to me on the airplane ride home. For me, that was no accident, only a God-incident. She encouraged me with her powerful story, her wisdom in the Lord and in the writing business, and she confirmed some of my thoughts about ministry as well. I am ordering her book, "The Mom I Want To Be" today, and I can't wait to read it through the grid of the authentic and beautiful person I met on the airplane.

*I was encouraged by Zoe Elmore and the rest of my speaker evaluation group. Hopefully, they were mutually encouraged by me. But Zoe made each one of us feel relaxed, and she pumped us up in the process. I can't wait to read her book when it's completed (wink). She is already an AMAZING speaker, and quite stylin' I have to say.

*I was encouraged by catch phrases like "Grace, Grace, Grace," and "in ministry, there should be no competition." Can you imagine what our world would look like if all of us lived with those beliefs out in front of us?

This She was equipped:

*I was equipped with so much incredible information about speaking and writing through the workshops that I know I will be processing it for many months. Micca Campbell was a HUGE highlight of my weekend, and I can't wait to buy her book and soak in the message that she speaks and lives. I also need more of her sense of humor. It is ADDICTING.

*I was equipped with resources galore. I had access to books, music and advice from professionals to help me become better at my calling. I even learned what colors fit my skin type by the "What Not To Wear" expert, Shari Braendel.

*I was equipped spiritually. This team put more emphasis on giving us what we needed spiritually than they did in any other area. They know the secret to any success in life at all starts with a relationship with Jesus Christ. As someone who is passionate about ministry, this impressed me above anything else.

This She was empowered:

*I was empowered with God-confidence. Each and every time I felt inadequate or unable to do what I was supposed to be doing, the Lord used someone or something at the conference to build me up. And I saw this happening ALL OVER THE PLACE.

*I was empowered with God's Word. Truth was everywhere you looked and listened. All that was needed was a soft, surrendered heart for that Truth to sink in and make a difference. It did for me.

*I was empowered by the Holy Spirit. He worked on me, He moved in me, He strengthened me, He humbled me, He showed up. Especially in the prayer room the team set up for us. I spent some time there allowing the Holy Spirit to still and speak to my tired, anxious and hungry heart.

*I was encouraged and empowered to live out my calling. And yes, it is a calling. It doesn't matter to me if I communicate his name to ten or to ten hundred. It doesn't matter to me if that is through writing, speaking, outreach, giving or encouraging. I will live out my calling in Spirit and in Truth with the Lord's power and strength doing the work in and through me. And if I forget this, it's right here "out loud" on my blog for any of you to remind me at a moment when you see me thinking otherwise.

Many thanks, and much love to the Proverbs 31 staff and ministry team, to all my new friends, and especially to my Jesus. I paused. I pondered. And now I praise You, my Lord, my Savior, my Life. Thank You.

Out to lunch with the blogging ladies. Wowzer, if I only had an ounce of the knowledge they do...and they have the gift of gab too, which of course, I know NOTHING about.


My sweet roomie, Amy. She is a woman inspired, and she inspired me in more ways than ten.


Kidnapped to lunch from the conference (shhhhh). I need a boot camp after that burger & pile of fries I consumed.


My speaker evaluation group. I was in awe at the stories these ladies shared. We all went out on a limb to share a piece of ourselves (albeit just 3 & 5 minute pieces...though we tried our hardest to stretch the time), and I was enriched in the process.


Amy and I kept running into Lisa, and it would've been cool to have her as a 3rd roomie. She took the time to pray over me before I walked into my 2nd publisher's meeting. I can't wait to share with her why that ministered to me so much.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 4:11

Runnin' on Empty

Remember the old Jackson Browne song “Runnin’ On Empty”? It was brought back into my recent memory during the last election campaign of John McCain. As I revisited those lyrics, I realized that this could be the theme song for a good many of our lives.

“Running on – running on empty
Running on – running blind
Running on – running into the sun
But I’m running behind.” *

Even as Christians, we can be “runnin’ on empty” and “runnin’ blind.” Do you realize that? We have the race marked out for us, with Christ’s help to run it unwaveringly, but so often we train our own way and race with our own resources.

As I’ve grown in my faith over the past five years, this is a topic I’ve had to wrestle with and allow the Lord to win. It came to a point where, until I dealt with this issue specifically, I’d have to take a water break from the race God had designed for me.

My poor training started in my childhood. With no one to show me how to cope with the horrible realities I faced, I ran. Between choir and theatre and cheerleading and track and student council and color guard and friends’ houses and church events and softball and running blind into wherever I thought the sun was shining, you can bet I was empty. To fill up, I’d watch my regular television programs, all with families I wished were my own. I’d stuff my face with junk food at the same time, knowing that my taste palette would be satisfied eventually. It never was, but I kept swallowing anyway.

“But you were just a kid and weren’t taught any better,” you might say. “Besides, you coped the best you could.” This is true, but I was long into my adulthood before I realized I was still running the same way I had begun many years before. Only now I had my driver’s license.

“Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels,
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels.
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through.
Looking into their eyes, I see them running too.” *

All of a sudden, it occurred to me that I wasn’t the only one wearing the tread down on my tires. Surprisingly enough, I was in a great deal of traffic, with people just like me. Probably all for different reasons, but pedals to the metal, just the same.

On the race the Lord has marked out for us, sometimes we have to sprint, and sometimes hurdles are a part of our endurance training. Some seasons are busier than others, and we have no control over it. But I’m not necessarily talking about being too busy. I’m talking about running with the wrong source of energy. About becoming distracted with the audience on the sidelines. About taking shortcuts when the path marked before us gets too rocky. About going just because we’ve always gone.

Featuring Browne’s album, Rolling Stone magazine** wrote, “The title track was actually written when Browne was driving back and forth to the studio each day to make The Pretender. ‘I was always driving around with no gas in the car,’ he said. ‘I just never bothered to fill up the tank because -- how far was it anyway? Just a few blocks.’”

Wow. What a description of my life for so many years. Does this apply to you? Are you running on fumes, thinking that your fill-up is only a few blocks away?

The Lord desires that we run our races with a full tank of Him, my friends. For our own good, and also for the sake of those witnessing the race.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

No matter if we are on a city road or a country one, a road under construction or one fully paved—God designed us to live with our eyes fixed on Him and our hearts full of Him. Otherwise, we’ll keep “running behind, running on empty—running blind.” With the joy of Heaven set before us, let’s allow the One who ran the race before us to retrain us, perfect us. Let’s keep running on—running on full.”

*Running On Empty—lyrics by Jackson Browne
**Rollingstone.com—Dec. 9th, 2004

Losing My Marbles

Several years ago, I was at a women’s retreat where our speaker, JoAnn Hummel, used a visual that really grabbed me. She gave each of us in the room a marble and a small lump of clay and used them to question us about the attitude of our hearts. Would we allow our hearts to be molded by the hand of the Potter, or would we be hardened to His voice like the marble? I remember squeezing the marble in one hand, clay in the other, closing my eyes, fully aware that God was going to use this kinesthetic and visual lesson from Him for years to come.

As I was reading one morning, Hebrews 3:12-15 took a high jump off the page to grab my attention:

“See to it, brothers and sisters (that’s US as believers), that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.”

Immediately, the marble and clay from years before came to my mind. God led me to a time of reflection…He was asking me to search what areas of my heart have been hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. One of the sneakiest things that I believe Satan does in my life is convince me that my sins aren’t really that sinful. Sometimes I don’t even call sin “sin” anymore. Hardening our hearts and turning away from God are not just the “majors” that come to our minds. “Well, I haven’t had an affair,” or “I don’t get drunk or steal or lie.”

When I really allow God to search my heart, He shows me that I have not only done some of these “majors” within the boundaries of my motives, but I have also turned my back on Him in many other ways as well. Most of us, if we’re honest, could say the same thing. Let me just use realistic parallels from above. (On the soapbox) Each and every time we lust over a “star” on the big screen or think that someone’s spouse is better than ours, we’ve fallen short of His plan for those of us who are married. Every time we run to alcohol or food or whatever for the sake of our sanity or in order to cope, it is beyond the scope of the freedom He’s given us. And can we actually say we don’t ever steal or lie if we think outside the box of what’s culturally acceptable? All of these things came to my mind today, as well as cynicism, self-defeating talk, gossip, impatience, worry, pride and so on. As uncomfortable as it is to speak so bluntly, I feel quite certain that each one of us could fill in our own blanks if we open ourselves up to it.

Let’s not add guilt or condemnation to our list, my friends, but Scripture is here not only to give us a positive boost of energy, but also to correct our behaviors and our motives. The verse above says, “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today…” We don’t know how long we have on this earth to do what He’s called us to do. If our hearts become hardened as marbles, it is difficult to encourage one another Today, isn’t it? That’s because we’re so bogged down with sin that we aren’t calling “sin,” it cripples our effectiveness to do so.

“Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.” (Hebrews 4:7)

If you have heard His voice today, as I have through the power of His Word, which is “living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword (vs. 12),” take a moment to consider what He’s asked you to do in these verses. “There is therefore, no condemnation, for those who are in Christ Jesus…(Romans 8:1),” but His desire is to free you from what binds so that He can mold you as clay.

Together, let’s lose our marbles for Him—as long as it is TODAY-- so that we can encourage and share in Christ, holding His confidence firmly till the end.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16