An Unsettling Marriage

Try to remember a time when you were so comfortable that you drifted off into a half-sleep. This happened to me often in church as a kid. It was the one place where I felt so at ease and warm inside that sometimes I would almost fall asleep. If it hadn’t been for the fear that people would judge me for dozing off all the way, I most certainly would have! It was a horrible feeling being in the middle of awake and asleep, though,… especially when the pipe organ chimed at the end of the service, and I would get a jolted tingle from head to toe as I tried to look awake to all those around me.

God has been so good to sound the pipe organ as I’ve needed it throughout my life—not just the ones in church, but also those in my spiritual life. Recently, the Lord chimed into my head the desire to ponder my role as a wife. I have a good marriage, but is it all it could be? I wonder if I’ve become content with patterns or attitudes that I shouldn’t be? In many ways, I contribute a great deal. In other ways, I’ve become too comfortable and nodded off. Have you who are married reflected upon this lately?

We all know the cliché about “settling down and getting married.” Well, what happens if you settle down to get married and then somewhere down the road, you just settle? Let me explain. I’ve recorded some of the things I’ve either said to myself or have heard others in marriage say over the past year or so (bear in mind these are usually from people who have been married for 10 or more years):

“I want us to be closer, but it’s just so much work!”

“We don’t have anything in common anymore.”

“He says I’ve ‘let myself go."

“We stopped trying to pray or read the Bible together, because we end up arguing.”

“I pray for him, but nothing ever changes.”

“I’m so tired of hearing him complain about his work. Can’t he just be happy?”

“I can’t ever do anything right in his eyes, so I’ve just quit trying.”

“He has his TV in the den and I have mine in the bedroom….that way, we both watch what we want to watch.”

“He wants more of me than I have to give. I’m tired after being with the kids all day.”

“I like working because I get praise there. That’s more than I can say for home.”

“He can just forget about having sex more than once a week. That’s enough as it is.”

Ok, I’m stopping, just in case you’re getting uncomfortable. I could probably fill up an entire blog with comments just like these. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking about major problems in marriage, just the normal everyday stuff. Unfortunately, though, if you settle in the small areas every single day, the potential is greater for large issues later.

Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life,
and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b, NIV)

My paraphrase for this subject:
“He gave us marriage that we could have one life together, and have it to the full.”

I want to experience His fullness and abundance in my marriage, as much as it is up to me, don’t you? That means we need to pray and then respond as He leads us…He will do the rest. For me, that may mean watching a motorcycle race on TV instead of Law and Order (or working on my blog--ouch). It may mean caring enough about my husband to truly listen to him, even if I’m I’ve used up all my energy for the day. It may mean getting out of my stretchy shorts before he comes home so that I can look beautiful for him. For you, it might mean returning gentle words instead of harsh ones…or maybe trading Nagatha’s hat in for Carissa’s!☺   

Have you thought about the things that matter to your spouse lately? Do you pray for him daily? No matter the issues, we all could use this piece of advice from Philippians 2:1-5 to help us stay awake in our relationships:

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from His love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion,
then make my joy complete by being like-minded,
having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”

Somehow these verses are easier live out with our friends or co-workers or people at church, but God desires our marriages to honor Him, “shining like stars in the universe as we hold out the Word of life.” (Philippians 2:15, 16a)

So, dear married friends, as much as it is up to us, let’s pray together that the Lord would settle us on the firm foundation of His plan for our part in a God-honoring union—not for the norm in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Stay in the Word and pray Pray PRAY, and it will guide you how to live and love less selfishly, more deeply, less casually and more fully…may we never settle for less!

He Has Been Here 100 percent

Brian has been here for me for 19 years in marriage today. Over 20 if you count our courtship and engagement.

One hundred percent truth: My love for him is deeper and more intense now than it has ever been.

We really were only kids when we got married, see?



This is just a photograph, but if you want a true picture of the kind of husband Brian has been to me, then read this:

Ephesians 5:25-33 (The Message)
"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband."

Our love has not been perfect. Oh, my goodness, I could share some whopper doozies of problems and conflicts with you. But not today. Today I remember a "policy" that Brian set up early on in our marriage. "We won't go to bed upset or angry," he would say, "and we won't lie in bed discussing it either. We'll go sit at the kitchen table or in the living room until we work it out." He has lived up to that over the years, and so have I.

Today I remember that he has had us on a budget ever since I can remember. Insanely so. I haven't always been grateful about that, if you know what I mean, but I am today.

This day is the day I remember that Brian has always been the one to take me wayyyy out of my comfort zone. He is adventurous. I am not. He is all about quality time. I am not. He is a risk-taker. I am not. Somehow, over the years, though, we've both gone further to the middle, and though I wouldn't necessarily shout this from a mountain top (a blog's pretty private, right?), I'm kind of glad I've let him drag me places kicking and screaming.

The theme that sticks out most in my mind for today, however, is 100/100. Percent/Percent, that is. This is the philosophy I have heard Brian repeat over and over and over and ooooooover and oooooooooooooooooover. A LoT. He believes that a marriage based on 50/50 will surely fail, if not physically, then spiritually. "You do your part, I'll do mine" is a recipe for failure from his perspective, and I happen to agree. If each of us gives 100 percent of ourselves with the Lord as our main focus and guide, then we are living out our marriage the way God intended.

I could go on and on...haven't even brought up what an incredible father he is to our children, but maybe I'm just selfish today and want him all to myself. So...I guess what I want to say is...Brian, thank you for nineteen years of 100 percent love. Thank you for never giving up on me and for growing up with me and for leading us God's way.

Just like you promised when we were dating, "I'll always come for you." Then you repeated as the Steven Curtis Chapman song "I Will Be Here" played at our wedding. You have lived up to your promise. You have been here, and not just halfway. 100 percent. I love you, Brian. 100 percent.



"As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here."
Steven Curtis Chapman


Taken last night, March 9th, 2009, at an anniversary gathering planned by my 2 daughters and my niece. Photo taken without blushing by my 13-year-old son. Oh, and how could I forget Abby? Do you see her blending in with Brian? She managed to keep her jealousy at a minimum as we gave a smooch, though I don't think she liked it too much. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law applauded at the end as I blushed. Just like a new bride.