Adding Zest...Oo La Laaa

I'm almost positive that every married couple has struggled with the "sex" part of their relationship in one way or another. In my opinion, in the areas men struggle most, there seems to be a myriad of resources. But for women, well...it has only gone so far.

Brian and I have certainly had our issues, and for the most part, the Lord has enabled us to work them out. I can't help but wonder if I had been led to better resources earlier on, we wouldn't have worked through our struggles more quickly and painlessly.

One of my close friends and another writing acquaintance have decided to listen to God's leading on this issue for wives. This was not an easy decision for either of them, but they gave way to obedience. Today is their very first post, and I encourage you to check it out. Below that post is an introduction and explanation of their hearts & testimony on the new site.

Meet me over yonder? God is in it, folks!

An Unsettling Marriage

Try to remember a time when you were so comfortable that you drifted off into a half-sleep. This happened to me often in church as a kid. It was the one place where I felt so at ease and warm inside that sometimes I would almost fall asleep. If it hadn’t been for the fear that people would judge me for dozing off all the way, I most certainly would have! It was a horrible feeling being in the middle of awake and asleep, though,… especially when the pipe organ chimed at the end of the service, and I would get a jolted tingle from head to toe as I tried to look awake to all those around me.

God has been so good to sound the pipe organ as I’ve needed it throughout my life—not just the ones in church, but also those in my spiritual life. Recently, the Lord chimed into my head the desire to ponder my role as a wife. I have a good marriage, but is it all it could be? I wonder if I’ve become content with patterns or attitudes that I shouldn’t be? In many ways, I contribute a great deal. In other ways, I’ve become too comfortable and nodded off. Have you who are married reflected upon this lately?

We all know the cliché about “settling down and getting married.” Well, what happens if you settle down to get married and then somewhere down the road, you just settle? Let me explain. I’ve recorded some of the things I’ve either said to myself or have heard others in marriage say over the past year or so (bear in mind these are usually from people who have been married for 10 or more years):

“I want us to be closer, but it’s just so much work!”

“We don’t have anything in common anymore.”

“He says I’ve ‘let myself go."

“We stopped trying to pray or read the Bible together, because we end up arguing.”

“I pray for him, but nothing ever changes.”

“I’m so tired of hearing him complain about his work. Can’t he just be happy?”

“I can’t ever do anything right in his eyes, so I’ve just quit trying.”

“He has his TV in the den and I have mine in the bedroom….that way, we both watch what we want to watch.”

“He wants more of me than I have to give. I’m tired after being with the kids all day.”

“I like working because I get praise there. That’s more than I can say for home.”

“He can just forget about having sex more than once a week. That’s enough as it is.”

Ok, I’m stopping, just in case you’re getting uncomfortable. I could probably fill up an entire blog with comments just like these. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking about major problems in marriage, just the normal everyday stuff. Unfortunately, though, if you settle in the small areas every single day, the potential is greater for large issues later.

Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life,
and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b, NIV)

My paraphrase for this subject:
“He gave us marriage that we could have one life together, and have it to the full.”

I want to experience His fullness and abundance in my marriage, as much as it is up to me, don’t you? That means we need to pray and then respond as He leads us…He will do the rest. For me, that may mean watching a motorcycle race on TV instead of Law and Order (or working on my blog--ouch). It may mean caring enough about my husband to truly listen to him, even if I’m I’ve used up all my energy for the day. It may mean getting out of my stretchy shorts before he comes home so that I can look beautiful for him. For you, it might mean returning gentle words instead of harsh ones…or maybe trading Nagatha’s hat in for Carissa’s!☺   

Have you thought about the things that matter to your spouse lately? Do you pray for him daily? No matter the issues, we all could use this piece of advice from Philippians 2:1-5 to help us stay awake in our relationships:

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from His love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion,
then make my joy complete by being like-minded,
having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”

Somehow these verses are easier live out with our friends or co-workers or people at church, but God desires our marriages to honor Him, “shining like stars in the universe as we hold out the Word of life.” (Philippians 2:15, 16a)

So, dear married friends, as much as it is up to us, let’s pray together that the Lord would settle us on the firm foundation of His plan for our part in a God-honoring union—not for the norm in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Stay in the Word and pray Pray PRAY, and it will guide you how to live and love less selfishly, more deeply, less casually and more fully…may we never settle for less!

He Has Been Here 100 percent

Brian has been here for me for 19 years in marriage today. Over 20 if you count our courtship and engagement.

One hundred percent truth: My love for him is deeper and more intense now than it has ever been.

We really were only kids when we got married, see?



This is just a photograph, but if you want a true picture of the kind of husband Brian has been to me, then read this:

Ephesians 5:25-33 (The Message)
"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband."

Our love has not been perfect. Oh, my goodness, I could share some whopper doozies of problems and conflicts with you. But not today. Today I remember a "policy" that Brian set up early on in our marriage. "We won't go to bed upset or angry," he would say, "and we won't lie in bed discussing it either. We'll go sit at the kitchen table or in the living room until we work it out." He has lived up to that over the years, and so have I.

Today I remember that he has had us on a budget ever since I can remember. Insanely so. I haven't always been grateful about that, if you know what I mean, but I am today.

This day is the day I remember that Brian has always been the one to take me wayyyy out of my comfort zone. He is adventurous. I am not. He is all about quality time. I am not. He is a risk-taker. I am not. Somehow, over the years, though, we've both gone further to the middle, and though I wouldn't necessarily shout this from a mountain top (a blog's pretty private, right?), I'm kind of glad I've let him drag me places kicking and screaming.

The theme that sticks out most in my mind for today, however, is 100/100. Percent/Percent, that is. This is the philosophy I have heard Brian repeat over and over and over and ooooooover and oooooooooooooooooover. A LoT. He believes that a marriage based on 50/50 will surely fail, if not physically, then spiritually. "You do your part, I'll do mine" is a recipe for failure from his perspective, and I happen to agree. If each of us gives 100 percent of ourselves with the Lord as our main focus and guide, then we are living out our marriage the way God intended.

I could go on and on...haven't even brought up what an incredible father he is to our children, but maybe I'm just selfish today and want him all to myself. So...I guess what I want to say is...Brian, thank you for nineteen years of 100 percent love. Thank you for never giving up on me and for growing up with me and for leading us God's way.

Just like you promised when we were dating, "I'll always come for you." Then you repeated as the Steven Curtis Chapman song "I Will Be Here" played at our wedding. You have lived up to your promise. You have been here, and not just halfway. 100 percent. I love you, Brian. 100 percent.



"As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here."
Steven Curtis Chapman


Taken last night, March 9th, 2009, at an anniversary gathering planned by my 2 daughters and my niece. Photo taken without blushing by my 13-year-old son. Oh, and how could I forget Abby? Do you see her blending in with Brian? She managed to keep her jealousy at a minimum as we gave a smooch, though I don't think she liked it too much. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law applauded at the end as I blushed. Just like a new bride.

At The Well/Marriage

Chelsey at Joyfully Living for His Glory is hosting this week, and she's asking us to discuss what it means to "stand for your marriage." PLEASE if you have the time, go over to her place to see what she has to say, as well as others. I guarantee you will receive a more extensive study on the subject, especially with the tough questions, than what I have to offer today.

I'm fully occupied with family priorities right now that I don't have time to blog an original on this subject. I was just going to bow out, and I shared my disappointment with the Lord. Then, just an hour or so later, as I was reading some emails from a Yahoo group of my friends, one of them typed that she had never fallen asleep in church before. THAT reminded me of a devo on marriage that I sent out to my edevo subscribers awhile back. I don't believe in coincidence, so I'm going to post that devo. While these words are not written from my "pen" this very day, they are still the cry of my heart's desire and conviction, so they may as well be. I hope the Lord of yesterday, today and forever uses these words to minister to someone who is led to read them.

All Settled?
Try to remember a time when you were so comfortable that you drifted off into a half-sleep. This happened to me often in church as a kid. It was the one place where I felt so at ease and warm inside that sometimes I would almost fall asleep. If it hadn’t been for the fear that people would judge me for dozing off all the way, I most certainly would have! It was a horrible feeling being in the middle of awake and asleep, though,… especially when the pipe organ chimed at the end of the service, and I would get a jolted tingle from head to toe as I tried to look awake to all those around me.

God has been so good to sound the pipe organ as I’ve needed it throughout my life—not just the ones in church, but also those in my spiritual life. Recently, the Lord chimed into my head the desire to ponder my role as a wife. I have a good marriage, but is it all it could be? I wonder if I’ve become content with patterns or attitudes that I shouldn’t be? In many ways, I contribute a great deal. In other ways, I’ve become too comfortable and nodded off. Have you who are married reflected upon this lately?

We all know the cliché about “settling down and getting married.” Well, what happens if you settle down to get married and then somewhere down the road, you just settle?!? Let me explain. I’ve recorded some of the things I’ve either said to myself or have heard others in marriage say over the past year or so (bear in mind these are usually from people who have been married for 10 or more years):

“I want us to be closer, but it’s just so much work!”
“We don’t have anything in common anymore.”
“He says I’ve ‘let myself go.’”
“We stopped trying to pray or read the Bible together, because we end up arguing.”
“I pray for him, but nothing ever changes.”
“I’m so tired of hearing him complain about his work. Can’t he just be happy?”
“I can’t ever do anything right in his eyes, so I’ve just quit trying.”
“He has his TV in the den and I have mine in the bedroom….that way, we both watch what we want to watch.”
“He wants more of me than I have to give. I’m tired after being with the kids all day.”
“I like working because I get praise there. That’s more than I can say for home.”
“He can just forget about having sex more than once a week. That’s enough as it is.”

Ok, I’m stopping, just in case you’re getting uncomfortable. I could probably fill up an entire page with comments just like these. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking about major problems in marriage, just the normal everyday stuff. Unfortunately, if you settle in the small areas every single day, the potential is greater for large issues later.

Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life,
and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b, NIV)

My paraphrase for this subject:
“He gave us marriage that we could have one life together, and have it to the full.”

I want to experience His fullness and abundance in my marriage, as much as it is up to me, don’t you? That means we need to pray and then respond as He leads us…He will do the rest. For me, that may mean watching a motorcycle race on TV instead of Law and Order (or working on my blog--ouch). It may mean caring enough about my husband to truly listen to him, even if I’m I’ve used up all my energy for the day. It may mean getting out of my stretchy shorts before he comes home so that I can look beautiful for him. For you, it might mean returning gentle words instead of harsh ones…or maybe trading Nagatha’s hat in for Carissa’s! ☺ Have you thought about the things that matter to your spouse lately? Do you pray for him daily? No matter the issues, we all could use this piece of advice from Philippians 2:1-5 to help us stay awake in our relationships:

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, 
if any comfort from His love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion,
then make my joy complete by being like-minded,
having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:”

Somehow these verses are easier live out with our friends or co-workers or people at church, but God desires our marriages to honor Him, “shining like stars in the universe as we hold out the Word of life.” (Philippians 2:15, 16a)

So, dear married friends, as much as it is up to us, let’s pray together that the Lord would settle us on the firm foundation of His plan for our part in a God-honoring union—not for the norm in this “crooked and depraved generation.” Stay in the Word and pray Pray PRAY, and it will guide you how to live and love less selfishly, more deeply, less casually and more fully…may we never settle for less!

In the Key of HE,

What's A Wife To Say? Straight talk to wives...

As an older been-married-awhile wife, sometimes the call comes to talk to the younger still-new-at-this wife. Cindy at CindyBeall.com didn't leave me a choice, either, because we are meeting her as the host of Chelsey's At the Well meme today. Cindy's topic and questions for discussion are as follows:

Your topic:
Marriage - Building Up Your Spouse

Your Discussion Question:
How well do you sweet-talk your spouse?

What are some things you can say TODAY to let your spouse know that you think the world of them?

For once, I'm excited that there is a topic that I'm actually pretty good at. Cooking, blech! Sewing, huh? Ironing, I plead the 5th. But I do believe that if you were to ask Brian if I build him up appropriately with words, he would give a resounding "Absolutely." That's because I have the spiritual gift of encouragement.

Unfortunately, Brian is kind of the opposite. He would much rather me SHOW him how much I think about him than hear me say it any day. If I tell him I'm happy to see him and give him a smooch, then get back on my laptop, he's not feelin' the love, you know? If I greet him at the door in my favorite comfy tshirt and stretchy shorts, well...let's just put it this way. He doesn't complain, but he certainly notices when I groom myself before he pulls in the driveway.

That said, I know not every husband is this way, and no matter what the love language, NO SPOUSE WANTS TO BE SHREDDED to bits or nagged the majority of the time. Some women have allowed it to become habit to tear their spouses apart with their words, often not even realizing that's what they're doing. I cannot encourage you enough, if you think you could at all be nicknamed "Nagatha," to think and pray the Lord would show this to you and help you with it before you do serious damage.

Ephesians 4:29-30 (New Century Version)

"When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you. And do not make the Holy Spirit sad. The Spirit is God's proof that you belong to Him."

The priority of loving my husband in word and in action has really hit home with me the last five years. I've had a close friend my age who lost her spouse to an extremely rare disease in just moments, another who almost lost her husband to a stroke a few months ago, and an aunt who lost her husband to a heart attack at work one day (she already lost another husband to cancer). As a matter of fact, all three of them read my blog regularly, and I pray it doesn't pain them to read this. I do not want to take a single day for granted. I want to love my Brian with all the love the Father has given me for as much time as He has given me.

So, sweet talk? Yes. Just do it! Whether you talk with your words or with your actions--show your hubby that you love him, value him, appreciate him in the way he will hear it. And in doing so, may it make the Lord smile instead of grieve over what He has brought together.

In the Key of HE,

What Am I, Apples and Peanut Butter?

I felt rejected. And jealous. Yanking off my apron and tossing it on the table, my emotions took over my vocal chords. “What am I, Jen, apples and peanut butter?” I cried to my daughter.

She justified, “No, Mom, it’s just that Dad builds the best Lego castles, you know that.”

“Oh yeah?" Pity Party time. "Well, I know a thing or two about Lego Castles, little Miss Jenny—and you’re missing out.” I shuffled into another room to mope.

After all these years of feeding, bathing and homeschooling—day in and day out—now all they want is Dad. “Dad, can you play with me?” “Put me on your shoulders, Dad.” Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, DAD.

Regaining my confidence, I attempted to bond with my son. “Hey, Justin—ya’ wanna show me what you’ve been destroying on SpyScape?”

“Just a minute, Mom. Dad and I are trying to win this quest together,” he replied, eyes glued to the computer.

“What do you mean? Dad’s at work,” I objected.

“Well, he’s taking his lunch break to play online with me.”

“Oh?” My bottom lip popped out--wayyyyyy out. “How fun for the two of you.”

Figures. I moped again, aimlessly wandering to the next room.

It’s not that I don’t want them to like their Dad…it’s just that all I’m known for around here is whipping up apples and peanut butter for a snack. What happened to “Her children will rise up and call her blessed?” I used to be blessed. I wanna feel like the blessed Mommy again.

Little Jen crashed my pity party. “Mom, can I call Dad?”

“No, honey, he’s busy. What do you need?”

“I want him to draw me a camel.”

“A camel—Daddy doesn’t have time to draw camels at work, Sweetie, but I’ll help you.”

Jen hung her head in polite surrender. “Welllll—okay.”

Here’s my chance to put moms everywhere in the spotlight again. My weepy heart began to swell with excitement. “Now, just let me find one on my handy, dandy Mac. I go to ‘Search’ right here, and type, ‘Camel pictures.’ See honey? This will be eeeeasy breeeezy.”

Ten minutes went by, and I could not find a single traceable picture of a camel. Jen had given up on me. “You know, who needs camels anyway? I’ll just go draw a ladybug or something.”

“NO,” I blubbered, “I’ll get you a camel…All I have to do is type in ‘Camel Coloring Book’….Bingo! Look—481,000 results. And the very first one says, ‘Camel Coloring Pages.’”

Like a triumphant warrior, I clicked on the link only to receive a message on my screen saying “SAFARI CANNOT OPEN THIS PAGE.” I clicked like a maniac, and the same dadgum message appeared over and again.

“Now can I call Daddy?” an exasperated Jen whined.

“NO, you most certainly will not bother Daddy at work.” I chomped my upper lip. “I can fix this.”

Justin yelled from upstairs. “Jenny, you don’t need to call Daddy, I’ve got him right here on I.M.”

“OH, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” she shrieked with delight as she ran to the likes of Dad via instant messenger.

All she wanted was a camel, Karen. You can’t even come up with ONE camel?

I sat there, completely defeated—defeated by Legos—defeated by technology—defeated by Dad.

The three of them are just up there gabbing away, and here I sit all alone staring at a big, ugly camel.

Apparently, Safari had found its page in Egypt or something.

“A camel?!!? Hey, Jen, I found a camel.” I turned into a giddy ninny. “Go get the camel off the printer. That didn’t come out right, but hey, who’s the bomb now? Huh?”

“Thanks, Mom, NOW I have two camels. Daddy sent me one to Justin’s email.”

Shaking my head in disbelief, a defeated smirk smeared across my face.

“Hey, Mom, everything okay?” Justin had the audacity to ask as he slithered into the room.

“Oh, Son, I’m just a big bag of crazy today. You sure you wanna open it?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, Oooo-kayyyyy...but can I open it after you slice me up some apples and peanut butter?” he said, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. “You do it best, Mom.”

“Music to my ears, dear Justin.” I hugged him like nobody’s business, and he tolerated it.

“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, Mom. Dad said he loves you and that he is the most blessed man on earth.”

“He did, did he?” I suddenly realized what a lunatic I had been.

“Hey Mom, where ya goin’?”

“What am I, apples and peanut butter? I’m goin’ to call the greatest Dad on earth.”

******

Scripture reference--Proverbs 31:28, NIV

***Sentiment is all in fun, for "those" mom days...enjoy!

***Special blessings to all the dads who rock their kids' worlds. And their wives' too! :D

Puttin' Up My Dukes

Okay, so I know peace and putting up your dukes don’t normally go together, but hear me out. I went to a mini-conference sponsored by the Rethink group back in January. It was called Orange Tour 2008. I cannot remember the last time I left a place feeling so motivated.

The weird thing is that one of the messages still sticks with me on a daily basis. Reggie Joyner put it boldly and simply: “Fight for your relationships.” He went on to talk about what that meant, and I’ve been trying to sort through it ever since.

This is Biblical. I tend to think of having peace in relationships as though it were a passive thing. Yes, it is right to turn the other cheek. Yes, it is wise to keep silent when provoked. Yes, I am blessed if I actively pursue peace. Sometimes these are a struggle in and of themselves. But does that mean that I settle for ho-hum, tolerable relationships? Based on Reggie’s comments, and based on Scripture, I think not.

I pondered this passage from Nehemiah 4: 12-15 (NIV)
Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, "Wherever you turn, they will attack us." Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to his own work.

If I settle for less than God’s best, I leave my relationships exposed to attacks from the enemy. God had given Nehemiah great wisdom, and he passed it on. When the people got tired and didn’t want to fight for the cause anymore, he posted them by their families. That’ll wake up the warriors really quickly, won’t it?

It’s kind of the same deal with me. I settle for what I have because it is too exhausting to fight for the ideal. I don’t get the fire back in me until I'm in danger of attack or worse—attacked already.

But here’s the answer: The battle belongs to the Lord, so it is to Him I must turn to have the ideal in my relationships. It starts on my knees. After I’ve prayed, it's time for me to act on it. I'm not going to settle. I'm going to put up my spiritual dukes, fighting with the resources He has given me, living God-strong in the relationships with which God has entrusted me.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (The Message)
A Fight to the Finish
And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and He wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

© Copyright 2008 Laura L. Shaw
http://www.lovinthearts.com

For more information on the Orange Conference, click on this link: http://www.theorangeconference.com