Friday Funnies--Enter At Your Own Risk

Welcome to Friday Funnies, hosted by Kim at Homesteader's Heart. Even though I don't usually participate, I read every one just to hang my frown upside down. There are some laugh out loud funny ones! Anyway, I thought I'd join the fun today.




* Attention children ...
the bathroom door is closed! *
***Author unknown

 H Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. H

H Wait until I get out. H

H  Yes, it is locked. I want it that way.
It is not broken, and I am not trapped. H

 H I know I have left it unlocked,
and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid
some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there,
but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.  H

H  Do not ask me how long I will be.
I will come out when I am done. H

H  Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. H

H  Do not go running back to the phone yelling
"She's in the BATHROOM!" H

H  Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. H

H  Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two. H

H  Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door.
Even when you were two this got a little tiresome. H

H  If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door,
please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room.
I will be glad to listen to you when I am done. H

~ And yes, I still love you. ~

Mom

For more Friday Funnies, go to visit Kim's place.

Also, for great fiction, which I usually participate in, go and visit Julie's place at The Surrendered Scribe. She is hosting Fiction Fridays today.

Have a funny and fictional kind of day! WAit, no, make it real funny, not fiction funny. But enjoy the fiction too. Did that make any sense? ;)

In the Key of HE,

A Borrowed Bit of Wit

I'm sure I'm not the only one to do a blog on this. I went to chase down the actual source, and it was all over the internet, except of course, at the Washington Post (which I would link you to if I could find it). Supposedly, this is a list of last year's (2007) Washington Post annual neologism contest winners. In the contest, readers are asked to submit alternate meanings for common words. I thought some of these were hilarious, but I also had to take out several of them, because they made my Lifesong go beep-de-beeeeeeep...so you're getting the clean ones, okay?


Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up on to your garage roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2007 winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (my personal favorite)

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit) deserves a whole blog about it

Karmageddon (n): it’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. *bold star for drama

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. (I've done this!)

Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Okay, so I thought it would be fun if you had any words to add to either list, OR just tell me which ones were your favorite? Purty please...Oh, and keep it clean. My teenage son reads these and a bunch of other Christian people, so... I'm trying to think of some. Get me started.

Who Needs Botox Anyway?

So here's my question: Who needs botox when
the "cherry perfect lips gene" runs in your family?

Can you tell they're all cousins?

It's funny that I never noticed this before our family vacation to my sister's house in Colorado last week. None of us recognized it until now. My sister and I were present for all of each other's births, have seen each other at least once a year since the kids were born...but somehow this was the first time we saw the strong resemblance between them all.

Now that we've seen it...we realize what incredible potential these kids have. So next week, we're entering them into a nationwide modeling contest that pays a pretty good chunk o' change. Please don't judge us. Their college funds won't fill up on their own, you know...

So sweet Austin, Haley Grace, Sabrina, AnaLee, Allison and Braden--you kissing cousins--please...Please...PLEASE don't bite your lips--at least until after the photo shoot. Take 'em out at night and stick 'em in the freezer. Wax them to keep their pristine shine. Realize the gift of this gene you've been given. Your future inheritance depends on it.

Okay, Ally, sneak in one more smooch. It's worth it just to see Braden's cheeks turn as red as his lips.


WAX ON--WAX OFF!

"Our mouths were filled with laughter."
Psalm 126:2a

LOL! ROFL! Smiley faces...:)...LLPF!!!!

Okay, be honest, how many times do you type the text "LOL" to show that something is funny? And every time you type that, are you really LOLing? Beeeeee honest now. I'm talkin to me-self too. Are we really just Liars On Line? (Liars-liars-pants-on-fire On Line) LOLOLOL!!!!!

Don't even get me started on ROFLing. If I were to ROFL every time I typed it, they'd have to put me on a stretcher and hospitalize me. Plus it's kind of a weird thought picturing everyone who types that stepping away from their computer and falling down on the floor to laugh. It's more like, Rattling Off Facetious Lingo. ROFL!!!!!

And I would be tragically amiss if I forgot to mention Mr. Smiley. I think he started the whole thing anyway...you know kind of like Adam did? (Oh, and Eve too...winka) I have to ask: why do so many of us have deeply embedded frown wrinkles if the emoticons show their frowns upside down in their emails. I think maybe we're smiling on the inside. Yah, that's it!
Ahhhhhhhhh, a clean conscience. I feel so much better now. :)

We all are sorta justified though. When it comes to stuff as the cyber world turns, the rules are different than reality. The words are flat. Even as I look down at what I'm typing, these words...BORRRRRRING. ***snore*** So in order to bring the words to life, we add the text lingo and the images. Example:

I'm glad you liked my new dress. It was pretty before you spit your iced coffee on me when you were laughing like a mad woman. Ya KLUTZ!

I'm glad you liked my new dress. :) It was pretty before you spit your iced coffee on me when you were laughing like a mad woman. LOL! Ya KLUTZ! ROFL!!!! :)

Big diff, eh? The first one, depending on my mood, would've led me to believe the friendship had been tossed into cyber space, only to return no more. The second one would make me want to spew my iced coffee all over again in laughter.


You know, it kind of reminds me of the Word of God a little bit. Sometimes we think we have to "add to it" to make it more exciting to others, or ourselves for that matter. God has a little something to say on that:

"Every word of God is flawless...Do not add to His words, or He will rebuke you and prove you a liar."Proverbs 30:5a,6

There's that Liar, Liar, Pants on fire again. (LLPF) Saints, we do not need to spice up His Word. Why? Because it is already living. "For the Word of God is living and active." (Hebrews 4:12a) It's not just living, it is active. And to take it a step further, take 1 John 2:14b to heart: "I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the Word of God lives in you..." Wowzer.

WE can make our methods for teaching, preaching, writing and singing fun, hip, relevant, ever-changing and contemporary, but we must nevah-evah compromise the Truth of His Word in the process. No LLPF when it comes to my Saviour. Nope. But thank goodness, I can still add a little flavor to the flat words of my typewriter to help bring them to life.

Sooooooooo, FF2LF, ok? I'm going to DARFC, so CUL8r. G2GLYS!

FF2LF (Feel Free 2 Leave Feedback)
DARFC (Duck and Run For Cover)
CUL8r (C U Later)
G2GLYS (Got 2 Go, Love You So)

Parting Ways

***Posted for Patty Wysong's Fiction Fridays. For more great fiction, click here: http://pattywysong.blogspot.com

Pastor Jim looked down at his Dockers to make sure they were zipped, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that they were. Why is the entire back row laughing? He had just reminded the congregation about the revival next week, and he knew that wasn’t funny.

One chuckle after another began to spread throughout the pews. Did I put the wrong shoes on? “Tonight we’ll have a potluck following the”—Is that Ruth Stanley snickering? Now I KNOW something is wrong—“a scrumptious potluck following the service.”

As the nervous young pastor continued the announcements, he mentally reviewed his mentors' warnings of common embarrassing situations in ministry. No ink stain on my shirt…maybe my hair is sticking up. While delivering the attendance numbers, he combed his fingers through his hair.

By now, the entire back half of the room was whispering among themselves. I’ve GOT to keep going. Something must have happened in the back. Focus, Jim.

He took a deep breath and persisted. “Now I’d like to ask some of our long time members, Steve and Judy Patterson, and their beautiful daughter Hannah, to come and join me at the pulpit.”

The family came forward reluctantly. Darling nine-year-old Hannah covered her mouth with her hand, probably to hold in her giggles. Her little cheeks were as red as the roses on her dress. Steve Patterson looked terribly grim, while Judy had her head down. They’re acting weird, too…

Pastor Jim wrapped his arms around them as they turned toward the congregation. “Everyone knows this precious family, the Pattersons. They’ve been on the front lines of this church for many years—long before I came into the picture. Only God knows why Steve’s job is taking them away from us. We’ll miss ‘em dearly.”

Oh, good, everyone has stopped laughing, but nobody’s looking at the Pattersons either. What on earth is going on?

Clearing his throat, the pastor bravely carried on, though his voice began to squeak every third word or so. “If you’ll notice in your bulletin that Ruth Stinkelman has coordinated a Parting Party for the Pattersons. Thank you, Ms. Stinkelman.”

Now where did Ruth go? I just saw her before the service.

The cackles began again, but this time it was mainly the younger folks. Most of the adults were hiding behind their church bulletins. Steve Patterson gave the pastor a darted, angry look. Mrs. Patterson proceeded to hang her head, but little Hannah’s shoulders were giggling up and down.

The young pastor’s frustration finally came to a head. “Could somebody please tell me what is so funny?” He was visibly distraught.

Suddenly, a paper airplane landed smack into his forehead and crashed onto the floor next to him. “What in the blooming world?” the pastor snapped.

Steve Patterson picked up the makeshift jet, aka Second Baptist Church’s bulletin, unwrinkled the wings and sternly pointed to the ink circle on the announcement page in front of him. Little Hannah’s laughter could no longer contain itself, and her mother’s head, hanging moments before in embarrassment, began to bobble a little bit, too. Steve’s glare burned a hole in the side of the pastor’s face.

In a matter of milli-seconds, Pastor Jim’s face flushed several shades of red. He began to read from the bulletin: “Ms. Ruth Stinkelman has offered to host a—a—Parting Party…”

His eyes were wide open while glaring at his mistake, and the only sound he could hear was the thumping of his heart as it raced out of his chest. He couldn’t believe he had inadvertently replaced the ‘P’ in ‘Parting’ with a big, fat, ugly ‘F.’

The silence in the room haunted Pastor Jim, but he knew he must somehow break it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. “I’m—I’m so terribly sorry…I…”

Little Hannah stepped forward to comfort him in total sincerity. “Oh, don’t worry, Pastor Jim, I’m sure doing the bulletin is a great big STINKY job.”

Hannah’s dad released a snort and a wheezing chuckle. Pastor Jim was stunned to see the whole congregation cracking up, including Ruth Stinkelman, who was fanning herself with her bulletin.

Looking down at the typo again, he shook his head back and forth. I’m probably never going to live this down, but…if I can’t beat ‘em, I may as well join ‘em. A big grin lined the Pastor’s face as he finally accepted the humor in it all.

Then the Pattersons gave him a Parting hug—‘Parting,’ with a capital ‘P.’

WANTED: Body to Go with Lone Head

Oh my! If that title doesn't catch your attention, nothing will...LOL.

Yesterday, a storm blew in suddenly. The wind was blowing at about 50-60 mph (according to the news reports), and I was amazed as I looked out the window. I checked to make sure that my iron patio chairs were not going to blow away or through the windows.

Shocked as I could be, I gasped when a head blew over my fence and onto my patio. It was a doll head, thank goodness. But a head nonetheless. And it landed perfectly on the ground, staring there through the rest of the storm. It was actually kinda creepy! Ever since, I've been contemplating whether I should send an email out to the neighborhood through the Homeowner's Association forum. But what would I say that doesn't sound ridiculous? My conscience is going to have the better of me, though, because I keep picturing some little girl crying over her headless doll. I wouldn't be surprised if an email didn't come across the forum saying: WANTED: Head to Go with Lone Body.

Decisions, decisions. Make a fool out of myself or have nightmares about a little girl crying? Reputation vs. Conscience? I guess it's a "no-brainer," right?

What do you think? I guess I could always go door to door...