Friday, April 24, 2009

Springs of Gloom and Cheer

It's Pattering's Fiction Friday, and Yvonne at My Back Door is hosting.

Springs of Gloom and Cheer

Tears were not an item originally intended for my grocery list, but they were scribbled all over it now..

Milk.

Eggs.

Bread.

TP.

Can’t. Do. This. ANYMORE.

I QUIT.


Moments earlier, as I sat at the kitchen table trying to organize my day, the sight outside my window grabbed the shirt of my heart and wouldn’t let go. My daughter was blasting out a happy song while springing up and down on the trampoline with her favorite doll.

Up and down, singing her merry melody.

Up high with a playful kick, a bounce to her feet, then down on her bottom and up on her feet again.

Such was the state of my emotions on and off since childhood, but lately, the bouncing had seemed unbearable. Shouting on top of the mountain of cheer. Sighing in the valley of gloom. Sometimes three times in the same day.

I quit.

I’m tired of the trampoline.


“Hi, Mama,” Lilly said as she tried to catch her breath. “Mama, did you see me on the trampoline? I was jumping really high. Molly and I could almost reach the sky.”

Yes, I’ve been there many times. “I know, Sweetie, you sure you didn’t touch a cloud?”

“Maybe. What’s wrong, Mama? Your eyes are crying.”

I forced a smile. “Ohhhhh, they’re just love tears, Baby Doll.”

“Oh. Well, did you see us fall too, Mama? I landed right on top of Molly and made her sad.” Lilly rocked her Molly doll back and forth, just like I had rocked Lilly so many times when I’d made her sad with my topple down of emotions.

“Molly knows how much you love her, Sweetie. You’d never fall down on her on purpose, would you?”

She smacked a kiss on the doll’s braided hair. “Nooooo, never,” Lilly vowed through gritted teeth. “I love my Molly tooooo much,” She snuggled her close as she sprang to the next room.

And I love you too much, Lilly. I juggled the spinning saucers of solutions in my mind, trying to catch each one before they broke in self-defeat. My sister had been begging me to see a counselor. My best friend was absolutely certain that it was time to let the doctor prescribe some meds. My husband knew that a good workout and diet plan would balance out my hormonal teeter-totter. My spiritual mentor reminded me to pray more, memorize more Scripture. Truth be told, I knew ALL of the advice was sound, but I lacked the clarity to know what to do first.

God help me. It’s too confusing. I can’t do this.

Lilly’s piano lesson shattered my defeated thoughts. “Mommy made me mash my M&Ms. Do, Doooo,” Up and down her warm-up scales she went, pedal all the way to the floor. Over and over. Each note ricocheted on the walls of my nerves. “Mommy MADE ME MASH my M&Ms. Do DOOOOO!!!!”

Eyes shut now, I could hardly bear the extra noise causing confusion to swell within my chest. I leaned against the kitchen counter, then melted into it.

“Sing with me, Molly,” Lilly coached. “Now this one’s extra important, Molly, okay? So sing it with all your heart to Jesus. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart.”

Lilly’s precious voice singing the song I'd sung to her over and over again invited my tears to join in. They streamed like hot summer rain down my cheeks.

“I want to see you. I want to see you...”

That’s what I want too. Lord, show me what to do.

“…LOUDER, Molly. To see You high and lifted up. Shining in the light of Your glory Pour out Your power and love. As we sing holy, holy, holy.”

The Holy Spirit poured out His counsel to me, and I knew what to do...

While Lilly and Molly sang up and down the scales of “holies,” I laid down my pride and picked up the phone - because I was tired of the trampoline.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.”
Psalm 40:2 


***"Open The Eyes of My Heart"
Words and Music by Paul Baloche

*****If you or someone you know needs help with depression or mood swings, I’m here to pray. Also, don’t hesitate to call a close friend you trust, a compassionate ministry leader or a professional Christian Counselor.

A few ministries I trust are as follows:
http://www.hopefortheheart.org/site/PageServer?pagename=hlp_one_on_one
http://www.needhim.org/
http://cornerstonethefoundation.blogspot.com/


12 friends shared a comment:

Peggy said...

WOW! Laura Lee! Inspiring!

Tear jerking!

Fiction or fact?

Testimony and Truth!

Song & SELAH!

A child & a doll!

A heart on the mend!

Life in the hands of Our LORD!
Loving us, treasuring us, moving us forward to healing & victory!

God is so good!

Terri Tiffany said...

I'm not sure if this is fiction or really you--but if it is you--then praise God for getting the help that is there to get. Depression is a difficult road to travel alone. I was a mental health counselor for years--saw what can heppen to a person when not treated--and I also felt the same depths this past year and a half because of our unemployment sitation--and now I know how scary it really can be. Thank you for a really well written piece:)

Patty Wysong said...

Oh, Laura. Wonderful story with such a message! My favorite kind! Praying God will use this mightily...
Huggles!

Denise said...

You my dear friend, are way beyond awesome. I love you.

Yvonne said...

what a touching story!
Don't you wish our inner moods didn't affect anyone else? That's what makes it so hard...when we see we may have hurt others too.
Thanks for writing this.
(((hugs)))

Hoomi said...

I tried to comment last night, right about the time our internet crashed (again).

Excellent build-up and illustration of a serious condition, and a perfect positive ending that remains believable while also upbeat.

Marsha said...

Beautifully written, LauraLee! I really enjoyed your descriptions. Your "hook" at the beginning drew me in to read from start to finish! Great!

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Well, that's a whole lot of something packed into some "fiction." A fiction that hits pretty close to home, my friend. It might as just have well been me, voicing my grocery list of "I quit's."

Tender, touching, and so very much a vivid portrait of how the "hurt" paints.

Blessings for a Sunday rest, in spirit and soul.

peace~eliane

Brook said...

A professional Christian Counselor in training, that's me. I have had mood swings and depression too. I hope to be God's mouthpeice or His hands and feet to help hurting people.

The Surrendered Scribe said...

I'm late getting to Fiction Friday but Hoomi left a nice comment about how related our stories were. I loved how you wrote about the trampoline, that sure is a visual to relate to.

I have an award for you, I can't say much more than what I did there. I love how serious you take your writing, knowing the eternal impact it has. You can pick it up at http://thesurrenderedscribe.blogspot.com.

Have a wonderful week in Him and thanks for that captivating story.

Diana D said...

Extremely well-written story! So much reality, imagery and even a few giggles. Heart wrenching glimpse into the hearts of sooooo many people. Excellent.

Dee Yoder said...

Very touching, Laura. So many people who are living their lives with the pain and ache of this kind of illness. Very realistic and true to life.